The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
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Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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