Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You ate ashes out of my bong
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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