Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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