Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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