Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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