Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
