Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...