im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder