i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?