she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel