dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
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he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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