I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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