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just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Its about making memories worth repressing
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Randomize
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