I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
