Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.