I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
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Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
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You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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