i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
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wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.