I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.