Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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