Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have feelings that need drinking.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
