I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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