I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
