I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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