I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
