haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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