New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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