i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
