I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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