yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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