I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
