i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
