My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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