i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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