My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
