then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
