This is not my ceiling
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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