you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
