She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.