True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.