dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍