Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
