I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
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at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
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Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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