I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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