Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
