guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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