Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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