and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
