you traded sex for a burrito?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
