I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
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Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
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Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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