she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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