Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
