i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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