i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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