Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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